When I was a young child, I naïvely believed anything I experienced or that anyone told me as true. As I started adolescence, I started to question that, and realised that people who tell me stuff might be mistaken, or intentionally lying to me. I became very interested in optical illusions, and realised my senses could be fooled too. I had to rely on measurable, repeatable truth that scientific experts had written in pop science books.
Then I thought about simulations, being in a story (like in Sophie’s World), gods, and every other possibility that the entire world I experience is not real and is created to test me, to observe me, indifferent to me and I’m there by accident - whichever it was, I couldn’t believe for sure that anyone besides me really existed, or anything I knew through my senses. Only my logical reasoning could be trusted. I am doubting therefore I exist, but I couldn’t know anything else for sure.
Until recently, I realised when I was ruminating one time, and thinking about which is better: truth or happiness. Most of the times I’d ruminated, I knew I’d come to the conclusion that I’d rather be right than happy. I had logic to back this up, it’s more important to know the truth because then I’m happy about being right. But when I’d been happier, I thought being happy was more important than being right - after all, what’s the point of being right if it doesn’t bring you pleasure, seeking pleasure and avoiding suffering being the whole goal of life?
I realised that what I thought was logical reasoning to support my conclusion wasn’t logical at all. It was a rationalisation to support whichever conclusion made me happier at the time. When, for chemical reasons in my brain, I was happy, I wanted to remain happy. So I’d subconsciously convinced myself that I had logic to convince myself that happiness is preferable. When my hormone levels were low so I was feeling down, telling myself that at least I feel better because I know the truth is a way of coping.
And I realised that when my ‘logical’ reasoning is just a rationalisation for an emotional state caused by brain chemicals and my body, I can’t trust any ‘logical’ argument my brain thinks of. I don’t exist because I’m thinking, I exist because I have an innate sense of existing. So therefore, I can’t trust anything I think is logical. But wait, that there is a logical statement! So I can’t trust it either! And so on… aaaAAARGH!
The more I try to find truth, the less I find I know. I somehow get even more agnostic than I thought it was possible to be, I at least thought, ‘Alright, I have no idea what the universe is, but as an external observer I know that I exist.’
I am no longer an external observer! My observations about how my hormones and body affects my emotions, which in turn affect how infuriated I am at the fact that I don’t know stuff, that I don’t have free will - not the other way around - means I can’t even think anymore, as my brain is part of the compromised system. I am compromised.
The more I learn, the less I know.
Rips bong … DUDE
Fun read! Hope you aren’t in to much pain though. Sometimes I think until any thought is uncomfortable. I agree with ya. Its unnerving to accept that there is no stable foundation to our knowledge. That you in fact cannot prove that you are right about anything. Not all the way through.
I’ve been trying to figure out how much I should push for the world I want given that I don’t really know anything. I don’t have an answer. I am starting to think that you just gotta keep on keeping on and change course when ya get feedback.
At the end of the day we are all just on a big wild ride together.
Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.
Interesting read.
We may be part of a simulation. Our entire universe may be a microscopic component of a much larger one. We may be weird 3 dimensional beings living on a planet inhabited by beings living in other dimensions that we cannot perceive. Their actions may affect our lives.
There are so many possibilities, I don’t think it would ever be possible to truly know anything for certain.
I don’t know for sure what I am, where I am, or why I am. But I am.
Other people and animals seem to have this same knowledge of their own existence. So I try to treat all humans and animals as I would like to be treated.
We don’t know if we have a purpose but being kind, helping others, spreading joy and finding peace in beauty and love seems to be a pretty good way to go for me.
I think you’re torturing yourself because you’re smart. Do you have a thing about morality too?
I’m not sure what you mean. What is a ‘thing about morality’ and why would I have it?
Do you consider the morality of your thoughts and actions excessively?
No. But I doubt anyone would judge their own consideration to be excessive, I consider it exactly as much as I think I should, and do what I emotively feel is right.
I’d consider your consideration excessive… Most people would, I think. I can recognise my own over thinking, in that I can get stuck in loops which go nowhere and only annoy me.
The reason I asked is that I’ve spoken to someone about this before, both of us had a similar over consideration, but he also moralised his every action, thought and feeling excessively due to an illness called pure O, a variant of OCD. So I thought that might be worth looking into, but otherwise, like I said initially, in my experience this over consideration (or overthinking) is a feature of (a variety of) smart people.
You have to kind of come to the conclusion that you’re only a puny human with ultimately a puny human intellect. You aren’t ever going to come to a satisfying conclusion… Which can be a conclusion, if not satisfying.
