I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
Here’s the thing. Most women I’ve met aren’t superficial. If you were to gather a bunch of girls and get them to rank each other by attractiveness, you’d effectively get them ranked by extroversion. Also, a bunch of the stereotypical manly things make for bad partners.
I think a lot of the signals you are sending will be recieved as Dad Material. This means you will only attract girls that want to settle down and who imagine a future where you and a little mini version of them are having the best princess tea parties. I see this as a blessing, but this also means you will attract the crazy ones who want you to impregnate them immediately right now.
I am pretty similar to how you described yourself. Four years ago, i also was in a similar rut, although i had dated several girls at that point. Three years ago, I met a girl that was literally everything I wanted in a partner and more. A year and a half ago, I proposed to her, and this year we are going to get married. As far as I know, literally everyone who meets me tells her she’s got the most amazing partner and that she’s so lucky to have such a caring, polite sweetheart as her future husband. The only person who doesn’t like me is her Karen of a mom, because I think she envisioned her perfect little girl marrying a rocket surgeon or something. I think this is similar to how you’ll end up.
Also, if I’m reading you right, you sound like either a teen or a new adult, since you’re still figuring yourself out. As an adult, I never had a hard time getting a partner; I suspect you won’t either. Just keep working on yourself.