Wait, I promise I am not. It’s just maybe that my stuff is different than what you want from life and hence your perceived notion of shitposting?

Still I will enjoy it because honestly despite all my obstacles I do enjoy life in its various aspects. Even if to watch a favorite tv show before sleep, go to the nature or immerse yourself in your hobby, these are all very lovely things.

Not to mention the taste of a really fine dish that fills you with happiness ah.
Or the pain of muscles from a day of a honest work.
Smell of the rain on a sunny day.
Even the sadness of departure is something that is pure and cleansing ultimately.

Nah I god damn love life. I just think I could love it even more if I had the guts to remove the chains of fear. I could be a queen of life then. Oh I would be a queen of life believe me.
I was born to be one but it was unfortunately taken away from me.
So that I never had the chance to show the real length of my wings and frankly quite wonderful things I am capable of if I put myself to them.
I have capacity for great achievements and extraordinary since childhood but I waste potential with some stuff that shouldn’t even be a problem in the first place. And it wouldn’t be if not for some… external factors. I just need to soar in the air once more as is my right.

I am 100% honest why does it sound like shitposting? This is what I dream of in life

I don’t know, what do you dream of then?

I really really would love to go on a boat to the ocean and all the water around you, I love water

I don’t need money to accomplish what? What I would want to accomplish actually… Well I want some nice ranch hobbit like house for once and then some nice garden but thats just one of them houses. And also some kind of nice boat

I want to have voyages on the ocean on a boat. Like self sufficient boat

I want to live in the New Zealand with a nice view maybe

That all sounds like lots of money required to me. I mean this is the things I really would enjoy in life

My port would be in New Zealand and my house too, at least one of them

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yah I probably have lots of them mental health pokemons

thats why its so scary to go

like you know teeth repair is less scary than extraction or jaw surgery

no need to be so judgy tho my bro, we all have stuff more or less.
such is the human condition

why do I really need one tho, I am curious what is that you spotted that made you feel like it

its just such a non telling comment - go to therapy. why, what’s wrong, what made you uneasy?

thank you, sincerely, this is very helpful comment and something that I don’t feel like maybe I deserve omggg I need to work on that lol

Why not someone making a nice comment, take it and appreciate it

I will pick some therapist tomorrow and we will see what kind of shit will come up, I bet it will feel fucking terrible

I think people will hate me tbh, that’s why I don’t join clubs or stuff like that

Not even discord servers. Not even talking to similar people or within the group that should like me cause if they hate me that would be crushing if you know what I mean

Hence I often get to know people who already hate me like alt right or some bullies, toxic ppl, because that is… less risky? Somehow. I don’t truly care about them so if they hate me this feels like nothing. but if someone who I really look up to would hate me… well, that would be rather extremely painful

Actually that would probably make me hate them psychotically as a some kind of subjective defense of identity. And what is understood by me as ‘hate’ is very sensitive. Merely sideways stare that I would interpret too much will make me go off to some deep end (but only if it is from someone in some group that I should belong to)

If it is some aggressive looking, young male with bald head and ugly stare then I will just feel like on a safari and see the dangerous wildlife that should be avoided. Scary of course, adrenaline going but not something that lasts in my mind

I am not afraid of wolves or tigers. But what I am afraid of is a woman that will thrust a knife in my heart and kill it

No I don’t want fear. I don’t want to feel fear ever again. Whatever it takes to do that I will do

Fear is a prison

I need to somehow crush that fearful part of me and kill it because it is broken

Okay I am afraid to come there to therapist actually first so maybe let’s start with that part

I want money and want to have a mindset that will allow for a swift and easy accumulation of it so then I don’t need it anymore and can focus on higher luxuries such as some kind of abstract ethics or whatever

If that means being an asshole for some time then it’s okay as long as it is helping me achieve this minimum monetary security

That’s what I have been thinking. Therapy could be a way to make the masses more productive and obey the senseless laws of society

So what I would just go there and talk about what for 150 dollars? They would sniff it out what I need or…? Or do I need to know what I need? How many 150 dollar meetings for figuring it out?

I need money and fearlessness, now give me that or at least ways to achieve it

Then there is also power I have been eyeing if I have these things but that can wait and will come with the first two

Fearlessness -> Money -> Power that’s how it looks like in the long run

However on my path I am brought down by some stupid things like daily commute problems or mental overload or anxiety. I just want to surgically cut them out

I don’t know I am afraid though I am not very resistant to hostility

I am trans, nonbinary, xenogendrr, they gonna crucify me or something lmao

But a solid advice otherwise

Okay but if it is so essential as the contemporary society would allow you to believe then why it is more expensive than an hour with a sex worker? (At least here) somehow I cannot get the therapy prostitution connection out of my mind.

Like why would I say to some stranger (I choose based on looks and opinions lol) my feelings and pay them for it and also wait for dates available like it was some highly sought service competition and I am just some 10th gear in queue of the bucks making machine.

Not only I must pay for this but also wait patiently for a month. Some crazy stuff

And what is that will be revealed to me that I didn’t know already if anything? For an hour of feeling good after waiting for weeks I will pay 150 dollars??

I could get one pack of high quality cocaine for that /j not to mention all the stuff that I actually need to buy

And if it doesn’t work then money wasted? What does “working” even mean in this context i don’t know. Hopefully makes me earn more money because I need that.

Right now I am unable to work prolly cause some autism but who knows. I am unable to resist daily grind and emotions of commuting and working for more than a month without mental breakdown.

Will therapy fix that?

They thought I am wrong even though I am right

Go seek therapy